So I committed to spending time with myself tonight creating intentions for my art... After talking with some fellow artists last night, seeing an incredible night of performance and collecting my thoughts about it through writing I feel a longing.

I am not sure what to make of this longing, and if I should trust it, but this is what it feels like...

I desperately want to be creating more, I want to be creating more complicated pieces, I want to be creating visually beautiful pieces...

On why I don't fully trust my longing: Am I looking at other people's art and wishing mine were as likable? How can something so petty be trusted? Am I downplaying what my art is by looking over the fence with longing eyes? I know for sure that I am doing exactly what I have been SUPPOSED to be doing. It all felt very guided and perfect and I really do trust that it was exactly what I needed to do... I know that almost always there is a kind of fear or hesitance concerning doing what we are called to do, it almost always feels a bit uncomfortable... Is my longing part of that? This is me not trusting myself... this is me thinking that i do not have honorable intentions... this is me thinking that i am just an attention whore... this is me thinking that I am somehow in the wrong....

On why I do trust my longing: I trust that desire is a guide toward what we are meant to be doing... This does feel like a desire from my heart... to create beauty, to create things that truly touch people, to create things that are mysterious and innovative, and life changing and EPIC... these are not petty things to desire... these feel like they are pushing toward alignment with my purpose... I know that aligning with my purpose comes from meeting my own desires and needs which in turn benefits everyone around me... and we all deserve the best...

So after writing that I feel a strengthened trust in myself... I feel like I was mistrusting my own desires by negatively judging them and therefore judging myself... but when I honestly lay them out there, when I look more closely, these desires that appear to be petty are actually virtuous... what appears to be ugly is actually quite beautiful...

So what are my new intentions regarding art?

It always makes me a bit nervous to commit to intentions, because I know they will come to fruition, I want to make sure they are absolutely right and perfect...
This is interesting... they do need to be "right" in that I really do need to be completely quiet and listen to myself to figure out what they REALLY are, but I have discovered that they will never be just right, they will always get me to a better place and then I will need to further specify what I want, constantly tinkering my intentions bringing in more and more that will never ever be perfect... because I always need to be inspired to grow.... Maybe they will be perfect one day, when I get to Nirvana or whatevz....

So yes, intentions... what are my new intentions for my art?

I desire to be a channel for divine love in and through my art...

I desire to be aesthetically beautiful in and through my art.... *

I desire to heal in and through my art...

I desire to reveal the truth in and through my art...

I desire to be a revolution in and through my art...

I desire to embody my own power in and through my art...

I desire to have an audience I love, I desire to be surrounded by artists that excite and inspire me, I desire to be filled with energy by my artwork.

I desire to be supported by many, I desire to enliven many, I desire to have my artwork, and the artwork of those around me honored and recognized...

I desire success, love and happiness through my art...

I desire a shit ton of lofty stuff, huh? This makes me feel embarrassed and greedy and like I am asking too much... these are my shitty voices talking and I am going to ignore them and go on hoping that my suspicions are true...

I really can have whatever I want...

My questions...

I have decided to try writing for awhile. When I first began art school I started a blog. I think it began as a way of answering a question for myself... do I really want to be an artist? 50 posts later I was a performance artist with a strong feeling that I was living out my purpose.

It has been a few years. Alot has changed. I am still an artist. I am still a performance artist. Performance art has changed. When I began I felt like I was doing something so strange and off the radar. Something forgotten and ignored. I felt like a lone star. Now there are shows everywhere, performance artists everywhere, international performance art festivals everywhere. I look around in astonishment and excitement and gratitude and fear.  

I felt so alone at first, I had nothing to compare myself to, and now so much skill, talent and beauty is bursting around me... I must admit it is intimidating, I feel off balance, I feel unsure of my place here now. 

My daughter watches BOLT, a disney movie about a dog who has grand delusions about himself, falsely believing he has super powers, and his false beliefs crash and die through a series of extraordinary events and he realizes with devastation that he is just a regular dog, like all the others. Then he slowly begins to see the beauty of his true self as a regular dog. 

In many ways, more than many, I think I had grand illusions about myself. I had a false confidence that allowed me to do superhuman feats. I look back and I am amazed at the things that I accomplished. Through a series of extraordinary events those illusions were put through the blender. I feel crushed and ground down and completely unspectacular. But I think this is a beautiful spot to be, because here is where I learn to appreciate the true beauty of my self, as an average human being. 

So what are my questions now? 

Where do I fit into all of this? Do I even belong in the world of performance art? What is at the heart of my explorations and blind urges? How do I more fully express and fulfill my purpose in life? How do I fully use and embrace the power that I have as an average human being? What the fuck am I doing? 

There is something powerful and beautiful about transparency. It is not always appropriate. But here and now it seems important to lay it out on the table. To be honest about my not knowing. To be honest about my shortcomings and failures and my delusions. To be honest about the terrible things I feel and the brave things I imagine. Honesty seems called for right now. It seems right... so here it is... the new blog.... Inquiries into performance art.